I’ve been gone awhile, from this public space that I hold quite dear. After a close friend passed, I posted on my blog and quickly deleted it. I was afraid – afraid to admit it was real, afraid to put such a sad thought out into the world. It felt good to post. It felt good to delete.
And that’s what I’ve been doing the last month. Posting, deleting, moving, adjusting, feeling, getting stronger. Jordan Weber was an unbelievable young man, and a friend we never thought we’d have to live without. He was very smart, and deep – conversations with him were intoxicating. The way he spoke was soothing and engaging. Hugging him was warmth and love. Then, at 26 years old, he died. To say “out of nowhere” would be a vast understatement, for we blinked, and he was gone. No health issues, no precursors or signs.
I had to properly grieve before I wrote. The memorial was last weekend, and being with his family and our friends, and Meredith, his love, my love. Everything crossed my mind – what if it had been Bryan, how would I react, how would I go on? I already happen to imagine the worst possible circumstance on any given occasion, so that behavior intensified with such a sudden loss.
But I can feel myself healing. One of the many plagues of youth is that we look for the answer to everything, or believe we have the answer to everything, or even think there are answers at all. There are no answers, no reasons. Too many things cannot be explained and embracing that is bringing me calm.
(Ashley, Jordan, Bryan and me)
So I’m back for now. And trying to be happy.